Clarifying my relationship goals with my date-me doc

What is a date-me doc and why it’s beneficial

A couple of months ago I decided to take my goal of finding a life partner seriously. I had previously heard of date-me docs, which I thought were pretty interesting ideas, especially in this day and age. These are documents (often via Google or some other note-taking apps) that indicate what you’re looking for in a partner as well as show a bit about yourself. These documents easily convey your serious intentions. I thought this was a great way to be more efficient in my quest.

Fast forward a few months, I’ve created not just a date-me doc but an interactive page on my website. In addition, from the feedback I gathered from my female friends saying it might be a bit much to read, I created a short introductory video that’s more easily watched. Overall, it’s very shareable now.

Efficiently filtering out dealbreakers

One of the key benefits I see from creating this type of document is that it really helps you clarify what you want and what you’re looking for. For both you and your potential partner, it’s beneficial because it facilitates clear and transparent communication, which is something I value. By clearly listing it, we can immediately see if there are any dealbreakers and not waste time.

I’m looking for a digital nomad as a life partner, who I can travel with and who will eventually want to have children too. Digital nomads are not super common, but I do believe they are also less likely to want children. Several nomads who have read my date-me doc have reached out. Some have said they really love the idea, although some have also said they don’t want children, despite everything else resonating. These two goals are priorities for me: being able to work remotely, nomading in different places, and also eventually having children. But if these don’t fit, then it would be better for us to know from the get-go. We should seek to find people who fit us, rather than molding people to our ideal partner, which is unethical and also difficult.

Focusing on the benefit, not the features

Just today, as I’m writing this, I was having lunch with a close friend. Like me, he is also looking for a wife. He was lamenting to me that he hadn’t been having success finding his woman, so I asked him about what he’s looking for. He started to mention a whole list of things like: no tattoos, height requirements, hair color, etc. Something felt off, so I asked him to envision his ideal future life. He told me that he’d like to have children, a nice family life, and would like a woman who would be a great mother and cook. I asked him how he would like to spend his ideal Sunday morning. He said he’d love to be able to wake up, have breakfast with his wife and kids, spend time in the park together, and that he’d hope to have this sort of future as soon as possible.

I realized that there was a bit of a disconnect between what he stated as his desires and the actual desired future. While he listed a very long list of superficial requirements for his ideal woman, such as no tattoos, hair color, height—not having tattoos—these were not the requirements for his ideal life. The ingredients that would make up his ideal life of having a quiet, tight-knit family life with an excellent homemaker wife were not related to height or tattoos or eye color. I told him he should be focusing on his potential partner’s desires and lifestyle habits that are less tangible but more conducive to his ideal life. Things like wanting to get married soon and wanting to have children, because this would lead to having a family and soon. Or things like enjoying cooking and not liking to party, because this type of woman is probably more likely (I assume) to like the quiet home life.

While talking about this, I realized this was similar to a concept in marketing called focusing on the benefits, not the features. When you go to a store to buy a computer, you don’t buy it because it has this much RAM or because its screen resolution is this big. You buy it because you want to be able to enjoy time socializing and adventuring with your friends on World of Warcraft. You buy a computer because it helps you get work done more quickly so you can spend more time on things that matter. You buy it because it helps you create a video of your children so you can cherish and relive these first memories later in life. You buy it for the benefit—the things that help you live the idealized version of yourself—not because of the features like resolution. This was my friend’s problem. He had been focusing on features, not his benefits. Thanks to this talk, he said he would go home and think more deeply about what his ideal life would be, which would allow him to clarify what exactly the type of woman he wants in his future to be like. Being blonde isn’t a prerequisite for a beautiful, loving family relationship. After identifying his goals, he can more easily find the next steps to actually realize these goals.

Final thoughts on my ideal future:

As I write this blog (all in one go btw), I think it’s a great reminder to myself to figure out what I want in my life. My ideal future is with a digital nomad partner (and eventual wife) with whom I can experience the joys of exploring and living in various countries around the world for the next couple of years. After that, I would like to maybe settle in a place for longer when we have children. I think I’ve done a decent job of communicating that in my date-me doc. I’m also in a few digital nomad dating Facebook groups and apps, so I am in the right place because my ideal woman is more likely to be found there. Honestly, as I finish this blog post, I do feel a bit like Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother, although I dare say that I am more systematic in my approach. But I think it’ll be worth it.