Reflecting on my abusive relationship (1 year later)
[This article was originally posted on Facebook]
One year ago today, I got on a plane and fled my abusive girlfriend and the three-year-long abusive relationship I’d been trapped in. And with that last act of desperation, I took the first step to recovery from the worst three years of my life. A lot has happened since then. I’ve lived abroad traveling many countries. I’ve met cool people and made great friends. But most importantly I’ve recovered from the abuse and learned more about myself and relationships.
Many of you have been asking how I’ve been since escaping so I’ve decided to write this. Writing this is both a form of self therapy and a way to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned. In addition, by sharing this, I might be able to help any of you who might (God forbid) find yourself in a similar situation
Recap on my escape
For many of you, this will be the first time learning about my abusive relationship. I won’t write much on that because I wanted to reflect on the lessons I’ve learned. But if you want to read about the worst several years of my life, you can read about that here (I’ll probably be making it private again later). I had been so alone, depressed, and utterly defeated I turned to anonymous help on the NYU Secrets page for help to try to figure out how to get out of the relationship.
That said, let’s start after I finally decided I had had enough of all her suicide threats, screaming and shouting, and constantly living on edge, and just left New York and escaped back home to Hong Kong… I flew back to Hong Kong, but not before blocking her on every single social media or other communication tool we had been in contact on over our three year relationship. Arriving in Hong Kong, I received no fewer than 50 messages from acquaintances mentioning someone had been trying to contact me. Afterwards, she harassed me and my acquaintances, as well as tried to ruin a wedding of a friend of mine she’d always been jealous of before she finally gave up.
I had been so desperate and lonely I’d turned to anonymous help online
Deciding to travel
Back in Hong Kong, I never told my parents why I’d so suddenly come back and to this day they do not know. I didn’t want to worry them. I told them I’d quit my job and wanted to “take a break from everything”.
I didn’t feel like I could go back to back to New York so soon. I was terrified of bumping into my abuser again (although technically she was British Chinese from Hong Kong too, but she wasn’t going back this year). I was exhausted and scared. I was scared what my social circle would think, and if they would be on ‘her side’. A few of our mutual friends had unfriended me (although some of them were some mutual friends she had forbade me to hang out with because there ‘her friends’. But that’s another story).
So I decided to travel. I’d always wanted to explore Europe. I’d originally thought of going somewhere Russian-speaking since I’d learned Russian for a year and a half, whereas for Polish I’d just dabbled in it on Duolingo briefly (and worked in a Polish neighborhood in New York). Long story short however, I had a friend who’d been living in Krakow for many years so chose that lovely Polish city for my home base for my travels.
What I’ve learnt
In the six months abroad, I reflected a lot and learned more about myself. I met some wonderful people and a wonderful community, and even started dating again, an experience, which although brief, was enjoyable, and most importantly wonderfully normal and abuse-free.
1. There is a physical toll from emotional abuse
While still in New York, I’d confided in several friends about my abusive relationship. Months later, one of these friends happened to be travelling in Krakow and I met up with him. We had a meal and gave him a tour. “When we met up in New York, you looked so sad,” he told me afterwards, commenting on how happy I looked now, “I’m happy for you, man!”
Apparently the difference since the last time he’d met me was clear as day. And he was right, I’d been sleeping better, I hadn’t been wracked with constant worry about the next surprise argument. I hadn’t had insomnia for months, whereas in New York I would stay awake in bed for hours worrying about my life and my relationship at least once a week. Even if abuse if emotional and mental, it can affect you physically.
2. There is an emotional toll from physical abuse
Conversely, there is also an emotional toll from physical abuse. This might seem obvious to abuse victims and people who know them, but I thought that as a man it might be different. I was wrong. While the physical pain was nothing, the real pain was emotional.
The few times she hit me was during a heated argument where she was screaming and crying. This happened only a couple times, but it was enough to make me even more afraid of arguments with her. From then on, I tried to avoid arguments with her, and I would get scared of any sudden movements she made during an argument (and there were many arguments).
Even though she apologized and said she would never hit me again, I was always afraid she might lose her temper and do just that. I was always on edge. When we would fight, my heartbeat would elevate, and any sudden movement frightened me. The emotional effects from physical abuse lasted long after the actual hits, and permeated the rest of our relationship from then on.
3. The effects of abuse bleed into your future relationships
After years of living on edge with unpredictable arguments and screaming matches, I’d grown accustomed to dreading any disagreements of any kind. So, in my first relationship after escaping, I was hesitant to open up. I told a few white lies to avoid potential confrontation.
When my new girl and I actually got into a more serious argument, I was initially uneasy, my heart rate rising after years of being trained to do so. However her calm manner of stating her feelings and resolving the conflict calmed me. I was learning again that not all arguments ended in crying, screaming, and/or threats. After three years in such a relationship, I was finally learning what normal healthy relationships and conflict resolution should look like.
4. You can miss being in a relationship and not the person
After returning to New York, while cleaning out my belongings I’d left behind, I came across cards and gifts my abuser had given me. Memories of our relationship rushed back. I felt a pang of nostalgia similar to I had felt looking at old photos of me and my other exes, but this was different. I definitely didn’t miss my abuser.
Being in a (healthy) relationship is a wonderful thing. You feel safe, loved, and have someone to share things in your life with. With my abuser, between my fear of physical abuse and her suicide threats and attempts. I never felt safe. I never felt safe sharing my life with her. And while I felt loved, it was a controlling, manipulative kind of love.
Because of this, I really understood the oft-repeated idea about “liking the idea of a person, but not the person”. In this case, I missed being in a relationship, but clearly not the person I had been in it with.
5. Your worst fears probably won’t happen
While abroad, physically and emotionally removed from my abuser, I was able to look back and realize that I have the tendency to “catastrophize”. Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion which means you think an undesirable outcome to an event will be, well, a catastrophe.
Specifically I realized that one of the reasons I stayed in the relationship so long was that I thought: if my abuser did kill herself because I left her, I would forever feel guilty, so I stayed. It got so bad that at one point, I remember thinking to myself “if she’s not going to let me leave her without her killing herself, then the only way for me to get out of this relationship is to kill *myself*”. You can see how desperately I’d wanted to get out of the relationship.
Now, I know you are never responsible for someone who takes their own life. That is their choice and you are not responsible for their actions. But at the time I felt hopeless. However, looking back and now having a better understanding of my tendency to catastrophize, I’ve since become a lot more resilient to setbacks in life. I just think to myself: “I’ve survived worse, I can survive this” and “it won’t be as bad as I think.”
6. You don’t have to please everyone
In my last month before returning to New York, I worried about what my social circle in New York would think. Before I’d left New York, my abuser had integrated herself deep into my social circle—she’d always forced me to bring her to events. She was charming, outgoing, and charismatic. Nobody could have ever guessed how she was alone with me. In fact, after reading my tell-all I’m sure some people still expressed disbelief.
Because of this, I was worried what it would be like returning to New York. Would she have turned my friends against me? How would I reintegrate into my social circle there? But as I thought about it more, and as I reflected on the friendships I made in Poland, I became confident of two things. One, I am someone who is likable and friendly, people want to be my friends. And two, even if some of my ‘friends’ no longer wanted to associate with me, perhaps I wouldn’t want to associate with these people either if they do not see my value as a friend.
I actually saw her at the recent Thanksgiving party event. She was dating someone new, so my first thought was relief that she wouldn’t come after me. My second thought was that I hope she wasn’t abusing him. Also, although I could tell some of the people I’d had heard negative things about me from her, the friends of mine who sometimes interact with her have told me they know how manipulative she is and tend to stay away from her. So those who matter will always have your back anyway.
7. Time is precious, don’t dwell on other people’s shit
Although I wouldn’t say the three years of abuse wasn’t a complete waste—I did learn about myself, and learned what to avoid in the future—I definitely could have spent it in a more productive manner, and in a healthier relationship. I never want to be in a relationship full of fights and constant stress. I was done with the suicide threats and dealing with/calling the police. Time is precious, so don’t spend it on things and people that matter!
For me, this realization of the preciousness of time has given me the resolve and clarity to pursue what I really want to do. I started teaching English and accent coaching, making a career out of my passion: languages and linguistics. Life’s too short to spend on things and people you don’t like. So far I’ve been working on this new business idea for a few months and it’s going well. I’m really happy.
Looking forward
After having gone through all of this, I truly believe that I am stronger. Despite being trapped in an abusive relationship for years in what was certainly the worst years of my life, the silver lining is that I now know I can survive anything. Whenever something bad happens to me I now just tell myself “I’ve survived worse” and I keep moving forward. This realization that I can survive, and that I have survived is very empowering. In the half year abroad, I learned more about life, about people, and about myself. I truly think that thanks to surviving this ordeal, I’ve come out stronger, wiser, and better equipped to handle the rest of life.
On a more serious note though, if any of what I’ve written in this reflection or in my tell-all about my abusive relationship one year earlier is familiar to any of you, or if any of you are going through a hard time, or think you’re in an abusive relationship, feel free to DM me. It’s a terrible thing to go through alone and I want to help others who are suffering from abuse be able to escape so they can continue on with their lives. Alternatively, talk with close friends whom you trust, or a counselor. In addition, I’ve created an anonymous Q&A where you can ask questions and I’ll try to answer. Obviously, not being a psychiatrist or therapist in any capacity I don’t have all the answers, but hopefully I can share a bit of my experience about this sensitive matter. It’s an important topic so I think it should be discussed. Add your questions here and I’ll try and answer them and put them on a Google doc here.
So, to some of you, thank you for making this year awesome, to others, thank you for helping me survive the previous couple of years, to all of you, thank you for reading this and your understanding. It’s been tough but I got through.
Useful links:
Below, I’ve also put some excerpts from an online article (though there are many) that may help identify if you are in an abusive relationship and what to do if you are in one. From: Emotional and verbal abuse | womenshealth.gov.
You may be experiencing emotional or verbal abuse if someone:
Wants to know what you’re doing all the time and wants you to be in constant contact
Acts very jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating
Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
Gets angry in a way that is frightening to you
Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
How does emotional and verbal abuse start?
Some abusers may purposefully give a lot of love and attention, including compliments and requests to see you often, in the beginning of a relationship. Often, the abuser tries to make the other person feel strongly bonded to them, as though it is the two of them “against the world.”
Over time, abusers begin to insult or threaten their victims and begin controlling different parts of their lives. When this change in behavior happens, it can leave victims feeling shocked and confused. You may feel embarrassed or foolish for getting into the relationship. If someone else abuses you, it’s never your fault.
You may also:
Question your memory of events: “Did that really happen?” (See Gaslighting.)
Question your memory of events: “Did that really happen?” (See Gaslighting.)
Feel constantly afraid of upsetting your partner
Feel powerless and hopeless
If any of the above sound like what you’re going through, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek help and advice about the relationship you’re in. It doesn’t sound healthy and it certainly doesn’t sound like the best.